Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Hannah's Tears

Without a word our glances meet. He sees the bitter grief in my eyes and knows my thoughts... the wound I'm salting... again. His eyes caress me with his tender gaze of love.

"When does it hurt?" he asks me softly.

I sigh deeply. I don't like talking about it; even with my dearest love. It's too painful.

"When does it hurt?" he repeats gently. His compassionate tones massage my aching heart.

"When women complain about morning sickness. When friends who have been married a couple of months post sonogram pictures online. Every time I see a baby. When I hear women say 'oh, I've had my two and now I'm done.' When I see you playing so sweetly and naturally with our nieces and nephews. When nosy people ask 'when are you going to start your family?' When I see the pregnant teens in my religious ed classes. When I pass the baby clothes section of a store. When judgmental old ladies in the pews feel it their duty to tell me contraception is evil. When I pray novenas and get no answer. When I think of the women who kill their babies. When I cook dinner... for just 2 people. Pretty much all the time."

My husband is so loving. He's so good. He's so dear. He just holds me closer. Minutes pass and my quiet sobs slow to stuttered sniffs.

"Yeah," he murmurs. "I know. It does hurt sometimes."

I'm blindsided. My self-pity and self-centeredness shatter as I realize for the first time... he's hurting too.


Jenna St.Hilaire said...

Hannah's tears ... and Sarah's ... and Rachel's ... and yes, Abraham's.

You just described my life. I'll pray for you in this.

Kate said...

i'm praying for you both *hugs*

Farmer's City Wife said...

Seriously, thanks y'all. I'll really be praying for you too, Jenna.

Elizabeth's tears, too... my hope is in the name of the Lord. All of those people ended up having amazing kids! The world just wasn't ready for such awesomeness so their moms had to wait :).

Jenna St.Hilaire said...

Thank you! And yes, Elizabeth--I've often asked her for prayers.

It does help, too, to have a loving husband with apparently infinite tenderness. It wasn't so long ago that I thought I'd wait forever to be loved, and God answered that prayer perfectly. :)

Anonymous said...

One of the deepest pains in life is that of longing, and waiting, and the greatest difficulty is trying to remain trusting throughout.

I will certainly pray for you both!

- Fracassati

Sylvia said...

St. Elizabeth, the cousin of Mary, is my confirmation saint and her feast day, November 5, is coming up. I will pray a novena to her for you and your husband. God bless you!

Amanda said...

I'm praying for you, and all women who suffer the same kind of pain.

Anonymous said...

I will be praying for you, Angele- it can be so hard. We had to wait three years before anything happened- and and we received a lot of judgement and heartache as well. Let me know if you need to talk- I have a story to tell you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!

I invite you stop by my blog (www.HangOnPossibilitiesExist.blogspot.com) or our Hannah's Tears site for more encouragement on this journey along the way of the cross. God bless you and your husband!

Suzy Younger (Co-Founder of Hannah's Tears)


E said...

Just saw this post...I know the pain all too well.

Karen Edmisten said...

Oh, my, what a beautiful and heart wrenching post. I remember, when I had my first miscarriages, thinking that I may never be a mother. You'll be in my prayers.

Katherine Wankelman said...

i am praying for you...

Farmer's City Wife said...

Thank you very much, Katherine. I truly appreciate it!

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